


This whole damn city thinks it needs you (but not as much as I do)

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Episode: s04e05 Coda, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Light Angst, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Eddie is certain they’ll regret it one day, when they realise that Buck is happy, and successful, and he did it alldespitethem.But he hopes that, for now, it’s just enough for Buck to have a place here - with the 118, and with Eddie. He hopes it’s enough that he’s so entirely surrounded by love, and by people who would walk through fire to meet him halfway.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 61
Kudos: 623





	This whole damn city thinks it needs you (but not as much as I do)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _The Last Of The Real Ones_ by Fall Out Boy.

Eddie is just leaving Christopher’s bedroom after finally getting him to sleep, when he hears a quiet knock. He glances at the clock in the kitchen as he makes his way to the door, unsure of who would show up at his house at almost 9pm. It’s not like he has the most exciting social life. 

He’s not expecting Buck to be the one standing there, not after the twenty-four hours he’s just had. But he’s got an unsure smile on his face and his hands are buried in the pockets of his jeans. And it’s not like Eddie would ever say no to him, so he opens the door wide and Buck walks in. 

“I’m not disrupting bed time, am I?” He asks, looking around to check for Chris. 

Eddie shakes his head. “No, he _just_ fell asleep.”

He yawns as he’s saying it, because Eddie is exhausted too. He’s not had quite the day Buck has, but it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park either. He’s aching right down to the bone because of all the tension he’d been carrying, from the moment they realised Buck was missing until the moment Eddie had his hands on him again. Even his _jaw_ aches from how hard he’d been gritting his teeth. 

“Sorry, I’m sure you probably want to crash,” Buck says, half turning away like he’s making for the door. 

And yeah, Eddie definitely wants to crash. For like, the next twelve hours, if possible. But Buck has been through hell, and it’s not like him to reach out for someone to talk to, so Eddie isn’t gonna turn him away. And on a more selfish note, Eddie is just happy to have him here, alive and well. Because honestly, there was a moment when that factory blew that Eddie thought - well. 

He doesn’t need to go there now. Because they found Buck, and they got him out, and he’s okay. He’s safe, and standing right in front of Eddie with an almost guilty look on his face. 

“I was actually gonna grab a beer, you want one?” Eddie offers. 

He wasn’t. But if it means he gets to keep an eye on Buck for a bit longer, then it’s worth it. Eddie knows that the doctor gave him a clean bill of health, but he’s still wary - he has half a mind to check Buck over himself, just to make sure they didn’t miss anything. 

He knows Buck hit his head when he fell - what if he has a concussion? And he gave Saleh his oxygen mask, so maybe he’s got an inflamed airway from the smoke inhalation. 

“Sure, sounds good,” Buck agrees, tearing Eddie from his spiralling panic. “I just got back from Maddie’s.”

Eddie doesn’t need to ask to know that Buck has forgiven his sister. His heart is abnormally big, for one. But also, even a stranger could see how much Maddie loves Buck, and how much lying to him tore her apart. 

She’d looked so devastated that Eddie almost felt sorry for her when she showed up at the station before the five-alarm. But Buck was mad at her, so Eddie was too, even if it was only a silent show of solidarity, even if he never told Buck. It was important for Eddie to be on his side, always. 

He’s rummaging around in the fridge for two beers when he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Buck says, and Eddie hadn’t expected anything else. 

When he turns back around with the bottles in his hand, Buck has picked up a dish towel and is drying the leftover dishes from dinner. He doesn’t even realise that Eddie is watching him, just picks up a second plate and dries it, then puts it down on top of the first one. 

It makes Eddie’s heart flicker through a series of complicated emotions. First, _yes,_ because Buck is just so at home here, fits into Eddie and Christopher’s life so seamlessly that he’s never once looked out of place with them. 

But then it’s _no,_ because Eddie knows exactly what this is - he’s witnessed it more times than he can count. 

Buck has a compulsive need to feel like he’s useful, like he’s only allowed to take up space if he’s being helpful. He does it at the station in between calls, and at Bobby and Athena’s when they have team dinners, and at Eddie’s when he’s hanging out with him and Chris. 

Eddie isn’t going to let him do it now. 

He balances on one leg and taps his foot against Buck’s ankle to get his attention. When he turns around, Eddie holds out a beer to him. 

“You don’t have to clean my house, Buck,” Eddie says. “Here, drink.”

Buck rolls his eyes, but he puts the towel down anyway, and takes hold of the bottle instead. They both stand in the kitchen, sipping their beers in silence for a few moments. And it’s easy, sharing space together even when they’re not doing anything at all. Eddie is probably more comfortable with Buck than anyone else in his life. 

And he’s convinced Buck feels the same when he presses his hands into the kitchen counter behind him, and lifts himself so he’s sitting on top of it. He’s done it a dozen times before, sometimes when they’re talking, or when Buck is helping him dry the dishes after movie night. 

But it’s mostly when Buck is trying to teach Eddie how to cook. He perches himself on the counter and doles out instructions that are probably very simple, but Eddie can never seem to get the hang of. He pretends that he hates it - that he only goes along with it because Buck insists that he needs to know how to feed his son proper food. 

That’s not true though, Eddie just doesn’t have the words for how much he _does_ enjoy it. 

Anyway, the silence is comfortable, is the point Eddie is trying to make. But he’s pretty sure that Buck came here to talk. 

“How did it go with your parents?” He asks. 

Buck shrugs, then takes another sip before answering. “It was whatever. Okay, I guess.”

“Yeah?” Eddie prompts. 

Buck is picking at the label on the bottle, first trying to peel it off all in one, then little pieces when the corner of it tears. 

Eddie won’t push if he doesn’t want to talk. He knows that Buck has walked through flames enough times for his parents, and he won’t ever ask more from him than he’s willing to give. 

“I forgave them,” Buck tells him. “For myself, really. I’m tired of resenting them when they were barely involved in my life, anyway.”

Eddie doesn’t really know how to respond. He can’t imagine having parents who don’t care, when his own are so invested in everything he does - _too_ invested, sometimes. 

He does know that Buck’s parents are the ones missing out, though. Buck is the brightest, warmest light in Eddie and Christopher’s life, and if they spent so long refusing to see that, well. They only have themselves to blame. And Eddie is certain they’ll regret it one day, when they realise that Buck is happy, and successful, and he did it all _despite_ them. 

But he hopes that, for now, it’s just enough for Buck to have a place here - with the 118, and with Eddie. He hopes it’s enough that he’s so entirely surrounded by love, and by people who would walk through fire to meet him halfway. 

“I didn’t come here to talk about them, anyway,” Buck says.

He clears his throat, then puts his beer down on the counter next to him. He rubs his hands over his legs like he’s nervous, eventually settling on curling them over his knees, as he looks up to meet Eddie’s eyes. 

“I came to thank you.”

It takes Eddie back a little, because he’s not sure what he’s done that would warrant a thanks. They all got him out of the fire - not just Eddie - so he’s sure that it can’t be that, but he isn’t sure what else it _could_ be. 

“What for?” Eddie asks, his eyebrow raised in question. 

Buck looks kind of uncomfortable, and Eddie gets it. He knows Buck isn’t a fan of talking about his feelings, just in case it’s a burden on someone else. Eddie also knows that’s partly his fault, and he’ll spend the rest of his life making it up to Buck - making sure he knows that he can always come to Eddie with anything he might need. 

Buck lets out an awkward laugh, and shrugs his shoulders again. 

“Everything, I guess?” He says. “Just, you’ve been there for me a lot, lately. You told me I didn’t owe my parents an apology, and I really needed to hear that. And then you made sure I knew that Daniel’s death wasn’t my fault. You understood why I couldn’t leave Saleh behind.”

As Buck lists off all the things he thinks he should be thankful for, Eddie gets a little choked up. Because all of those things, they weren’t anything special, just Eddie being a decent enough person to care about Buck’s feelings. Just Eddie loving him. 

But then he figures, Buck hasn’t had much of that in his life. His parents might have loved him, but that love was marred by a grief so heavy Buck couldn’t feel anything else past it. 

To them, Buck is nothing but a reminder of everything they’ve lost. To Eddie, Buck is a reminder of everything that he and his son have gained. 

“You don’t have to thank me for _caring,_ Buck,” Eddie tells him.

Eddie shakes his head fondly. It almost looks like Buck is blushing, but he ducks his head so Eddie can’t tell. It’s endearing, how Buck is usually so loud, and confident, and _effervescent,_ but he’s shy at times like this - the quiet moments that matter. 

“Well,” Buck says, clearing his throat. “Thanks for keeping your cool and getting me the hell out of that factory, then.”

Buck laughs, like he’s trying to lighten the heaviness of their conversation. But Eddie can’t laugh along with him, because it would just feel like a lie. 

Eddie _didn’t_ keep his cool, not really. Or - on the outside, he did. But the moment Chim asked _‘where’s Buck?’,_ the moment Eddie realised he was missing, Eddie felt like the ground was giving way. The panic that swelled inside him was so acute he had to switch into army mode just to make it through - had to turn off any and all feelings so he could do his job. 

He’d gotten his mask back on before they were even given the orders to search for him, because he knew that he would have gone anyway - with or without permission. It felt like the moment his helicopter crashed to the ground in the Afghan desert. His fear was so debilitating that he had to shut it down in order to survive. 

“I didn’t feel cool,” Eddie confesses. “If I’d have let myself feel anything, I would have felt _everything,_ and then I would have been no help to you. I just - turned it all off.”

Buck’s eyes are wide as Eddie speaks, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. It hurts so much, that Buck has no idea how important he is; Eddie doesn’t even know how to begin explaining all the ways it would ruin him to lose Buck. 

“I know why you had to save him, hell, you were literally _born_ to save people,” Eddie says. “But Buck, you have to stop being so reckless with your life.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

He knows that Buck has heard it all before - that’s he’s too reckless, too dangerous. But for some reason, Eddie doesn’t think Buck understands _why_ they all tell him that. From the guilty look on Buck’s face, Eddie can only assume that he thinks it’s because he needs to follow orders better, but that’s so far from the truth. They all know why Buck breaks the rules, all know that it’s because he cares _so much_ about every single person. 

No, they don’t lecture him because he’s insubordinate. It’s because the 118 are so tired of watching him almost die. 

_Eddie_ is so tired of watching him almost die. Of standing outside burning buildings, or sitting in hospital rooms, just waiting to hear if he’s going to be okay. 

“I heard what you said to hen, about almost giving up,” Eddie tells him. 

Buck looks ashamed, then. And Eddie knows he wasn’t supposed to hear it, that it was a moment just between Buck and Hen. But he couldn’t bear to stray too far from Buck’s side, and when he did hear it? _Fuck._

“Eddie, listen-“

“- You can’t do that, you can’t ever give up,” Eddie warns him. 

“I know,” Buck says, nodding his head. 

“I know that this whole damn city needs you to be brave, needs you to be _Buck,_ but I just need you to be alive, okay?” Eddie says. “That kid sleeping through there? He needs you _alive._ ”

Eddie isn’t good at feelings, that’s the reason his marriage imploded, and the reason he turned to street fighting instead of therapy. But he’s scared that if Buck doesn’t _hear_ how important he is, one day Eddie is going to lose him to his own recklessness. To his own lack of self-preservation, or understanding of his own importance. 

Eddie can’t let that happen. He can’t lose another partner, and Chris can’t lose another parent. And it might not be the same, not really, but it _feels_ like it is. Losing Buck would tear Eddie’s heart to shreds. 

“I’m here,” Buck whispers, voice thick with emotion. “I’m here, I’m okay.”

“Yeah, and you better not fucking go anywhere, either,” Eddie says, his voice cracking. 

Buck looks close to tears, and Eddie definitely like he is. Part of him his screaming to just stop talking, stop exposing himself like this. Because he know how he sounds right now, and he knows that it’s giving away everything Eddie has been trying so hard to hide. But somehow, a bigger part of himself is telling him to keep going. 

“Just - please start caring about yourself as much as I do, okay?” He begs. 

“I’ll try,” Buck promises. 

Eddie taps the side of his fist onto Buck’s leg, a _’good talk’_ kind of gesture. But then he can’t seem to pull away, doesn’t want to have that distance between them. And his fist is clenched so tightly that Buck’s gentle hand covers it, makes him uncurl his fingers and then massages the grooves his nails have left in his palm. 

Buck lets go after a minute, and then the ball is in Eddie’s court. He could pull away, he could make a joke and let the moment fizzle out. But he doesn’t. Instead, he rests both of his hands just above Buck’s knees, squeezes a little to see how Buck will react. 

He just looks at Eddie, his eyes wide, and his expression open and trusting. The air feels heavy, and Eddie can’t seem to catch his breath. He’s afraid for so many reasons, but he steps closer anyway. 

Buck opens his legs a little, so there’s just enough room for Eddie to slot in between them. Eddie lets his trembling hands slide over Buck’s thighs and up to his hips, then winds his arms around his waist. 

For one terrifying, infinite second, Buck doesn’t move. And then he’s wrapping his arms around Eddie’s back and pulling him close, and Eddie lets himself bury his face into Buck’s neck, breathing in the scent of home. 

It’s like his whole body is sighing in relief. 

He can feel Buck pressing kisses into his hair and against his temple, and the gesture is so tender Eddie could cry. He wants to tell Buck just how much he loves him, but the words keeping getting trapped at the back of his throat. Then he feels Buck’s ankles hook around the back of Eddie’s knees, and he thinks that Buck probably already knows. 

He will tell him, of course. When the moment doesn’t feel so precarious. But right now, as his lips ghost over Buck’s neck, he thinks this is enough. 

Eddie couldn’t tell you how long they stay there, tangled together and lost in the moment, in the closeness. But then they hear the familiar shuffle of feet, as Chris makes his way down the hall.

“Dad? Can I have a drink?” Chris asks. 

Eddie could pull away from Buck, could take a step back to make everything seem inconspicuous. But he doesn’t, he stays in Buck’s arms. And Chris is just rounding the corner when Eddie turns to look at him. 

He’s rubbing sleepily at his eyes, but when he finally focuses and realises that Buck is in the room, his whole face lights up. 

“Bucky!” Chris says, excited even through his exhaustion. 

“Hey superman,” Buck greets him as he slides off the counter top. 

And Eddie figured that after almost three years of this - of Buck and Christopher loving each other like they _belong_ to each other - he would be used to it by now. But his heart still soars every single time; he has no idea what he did to deserve this.

Eddie reluctantly pulls away from Buck, and moves to the sink to fill a cup of water for Chris.

“Did you have a bad dream, buddy?” Buck asks. 

Chris shakes his head. “No, I’m okay,” he says as he takes the cup from Eddie.

Eddie steps back into Buck’s space as Christopher drinks, just because he doesn’t want to be any further away from him than he has to be. Just because he gets to do this now. 

“Right, back to bed, trouble,” Eddie tells Christopher as he hands the cup back. 

He’s expecting the groan before it even happens, and Eddie and Buck both laugh at the way Chris tips his head back dramatically. 

“But I wanna play with Buck,” he complains. 

Eddie looks at Buck, and he’s wearing a smile bigger than Eddie has ever seen before. He doesn’t look away from Buck as he says, “Don’t worry, he’ll still be here in the morning.”

It’s maybe a little presumptuous but Buck doesn’t correct him, his smile just changes to something softer, and a faint blush colours his cheeks. Happiness is a good look on him, Eddie decides. 

“ _Fine,_ ” Christopher grumbles. “Goodnight dad, goodnight Bucky.”

They wait until they hear Chris’ bedroom door close, then Eddie tilts his head back to rest it on Buck’s shoulder and they both laugh. Buck turns his head towards Eddie and presses a gentle kiss onto his cheekbone. 

“Do you want get some sleep?” Eddie suggests, yawning as he turns around to offer his hand to Buck. 

Buck tangles their hands together and he doesn’t let go.

**Author's Note:**

> My dudes, this episode _destroyed_ me.


End file.
